Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Waiting to Exhale

Found a lump in my neck over the summer.  Finally went to see the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and he ordered me to take blood test and an ultrasound.  After the ultrasound and blood test result came back, my doctor felt that a biopsy was in order.  I had the biopsy performed last Friday.

After the the specialist explained to me how the testing goes, he, his second second doctor, and the technician began the procedure.  It was supposed to be cut and dry.  Very little wait time. It was supposed to go like this:
1. use the needles to withdraw samples from the nodule four times.
2. take the samples out to the lab in the hall and look at them
3. after a few minutes, results would be known
4. they would share the results with me

It didn't go exactly like that. Steps 1-2 went as planned.  Step three...

They took the samples out to the hall. I waited a few minutes.  Then, I waited a little more.  Finally, a different man came into the room to explain that he is the head of the lab department, and my test results might not be back until after Christmas.  All the way through Monday, I continued to hope that I would receive a call about my results so that I could go into the week without the results on my mind.  During the lab guy's spiel, the specialist, the second doctor, and the tech entered the room.  And I was told "after Christmas for the last time, this weekend.

Now, here I sit on Christmas evening, and my thoughts keep going back to my test results.  It's getting to me.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What's next?

Working under the premise that I am responsible for finding my own fun, I need to find something fun for me to do. It can't be more than once a week because my first responsibility is to be a parent to my boys.
The question then is what will I do?
- dance class?
- book club?
- take myself to dinner and a movie?
I will definitely need to put some thought into that.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Just need to say...

Maybe my biggest problem is that I can't imagine why anyone would not be interested in a relationship with me. So, there was a set back. Does that mean that you just throw me out?
Still in shock about this.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Easier said than done

So. ...I have to tell myself all day every day to snap out of it. I do realize that I'm not mooning over what was. I'm actually mourning over what I wish we'd built together.

I also recognize that I was the only one in that "relationship" that wanted more even though things were far from perfect. I was willing to try to work on the things that weren't great because he had enough of the things that were good. The Almighty knew this wasn't right. Things worked out as they should have in the end.

It doesn't make being alone AGAIN any easier. But now I can be honest with myself. I wasn't the "hit it and quit it" type before, and I'm still not. I am the relationship kind of chick. I don't want to grow old alone. I want a partner who will be my best friend. He will love my saggy titties (or pay for new ones). He will enjoy eating my cat. He will know exactly what the hell he's doing, and he will be patient as he teaches me how to do the same for him.  He will want to work out WITH me. He will want to spend time talking to me. He will want to lighten my load if he can, and he will accept my help where I can. He will initiate a friendship with my boys. He will NOT run away when things get hard, but he will work through it WITH me.

I have to hold on to the faith that She has the perfect man in mind for me, and that She has been preparing him at the same time that She has been preparing me. I need a man in my life, but not just any man. I need The man that She has intended for me. 

God grant me the ability to see him when he arrives. And give me the right words when I see him. And, if it's not asking too much, please let him come soon.

Monday, August 12, 2013

So.... it's over

So, after I did what I did, Mr.P has not called at all. He stopped by and showed Noah how to work the mower he brought by. And then he left without a word to me. Today, through text messages he said he was going through some things and that he's always my friend. What the hell is that? I'll tell you what it is. I was looking for more in the relationship than he was. Too old to be playing this game with him or any other man. I want someone to grow old with, not a "hanging" partner.
So... letting go in 5, 4, 3...2... and 1.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Humble Pie

Tonight, I'm letting Beringer's Moscato keep me company.

 I did something terrible.  Something that a 44 year old woman should know better than to do.  I shared something about my relationship with a friend instead of talking about it with Mr.P. I know how he feels about that, and for at least that reason, I should have not done that.

I tried to apologize for that, but I don't think he's at all interested in my apology or anything else.  I can't help but to think that he's not interested in building a relationship with me. If one mistake can send him away like this, I think it's pretty clear that he's not as invested as I need him to be.

So... long story made short: letting go in 5...4...3...2... go...

Friday, June 28, 2013

Feeling a certain type of way this evening...

It has to do with feeling stuck in place here.  Feeling all alone here.

Took my kids and their cousin to the movies.  Took them out to eat afterward.  Ugh!! Just kidding.  I enjoyed the movie.  I saw World War Z with Nigel and Noah and Macy saw Monsters, Inc.  That World War Z movie was intense!

Now, at 8:49 PM on a Friday night, I am sitting at home and feeling rather lonely again.  Now that the school year is over, and the class reunion is done, I need to find something else to do with myself.  Hmmmm.... join a club?  Maybe some sort of singles' club for people over 40...  That sounds like something to look into.

At least I was offered a summer school position, and I will have something to do during the day.  Gotta work on this evening thing.  Mr. P is nice and all, but it would be silly to hang my wish upon his star.  Word. The fact that I'm sitting here and feeling lonely says a lot.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Um hummm... :D

That's it.  Nothing else to say, except that it didn't end with a bang; more like a fizzle.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Added to the wish list...

I have discovered one more thing to add to my wish list:
He must be able to live within the quiet spaces of my life.

One of the things I prayed about when I was pregnant with my first child was that my child be able to understand I DO love him even when I'm quiet. I also prayed that He, in His infinite wisdom, would show me the times when words were necessary and to give me those words.

I'm going to hand this one over to Him as well.

I'm not so sure that my current friend is comfortable in my silence.

Yesterday, we went for a walk through the park.  It was okay. There were moments of silence. He would usually fill the void. The time before this one, he accused me of not talking much. Mostly, this is true.

Sometimes, if I have something worth saying, I'll say it.

I will work on communicating my thoughts more often.  I admit that I don't like it when the person I'm with appears closed off.  Maybe I can let my body talk for me when I don't fill like "chattering". Perhaps, I can put my arm through his, or I can wrap my arms around him. Something that says, "Hey. I'm here with you, and I'm enjoying your company."

Wow, what an epiphany!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Today's gathering...

I ended up at a gathering for Mr. P's friend's mother's 70th birthday party.  We walked into the shelter, he started talking about the air conditioning, and then walked away with his friend...I was standing in a room full of strangers.  I grabbed a seat at the nearest table, feeling a bit stupid for being left in this place...
The wife of his friend came to rescue me.  At least, I think she was there to rescue me.  She brought me over to their table and introduced me to her friend.  Things were pretty awkward for a while.

I don't know what to make of this slight by Mr. P.  It could be, that even at 50 years old, he is absolutely clueless.  Could be.  Or it could be that he didn't give a flying leap if he left me to fend for myself without even an introduction.  Hmmm....

Whatever the reason(s) that I ended up in that predicament, eventually, the women at the table included me in their conversation.  What was the conversation about?  Marriage.  Or, more specifically, the woman's role in a good marriage.

God knows I am NOT trying to be someone else's wife.  I am, however, trying to be someone else's good friend.  I want to be the right man's best friend.  I want to be there for him, and for him to be there for me.  Will that be Mr. P? Who but God knows?  I do know that I'm leaving it open to Him.  He knows what He has in store, and it His plan that I'm waiting for.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I'm a Little Shy

You like my status?
You like my taste?
Wondering what it’d be like with us?
Come on, boy, say it
to my face.
Not gonna bite…unless that’s what you like.
Not gonna tease you…unless that’s what you like.
In that case nibble, nibble, tickle, tickle.
Whatever you like.
I noticed your vibe, your rhythm, your flow
Feelin’ your intentions
Sharin’ your vision
Wantin’ to see what else you know.
I think I’m in love
at least in-like.
Yeah, you like my status.
I like yours, too.

Monday, February 18, 2013

I had lunch with the perfect guy today

...if he wasn't already someone else's husband.

It was nice.  Conversation flowed without any awkward prompting from either of us, and during moments of natural pauses in the conversation, it was okay, not rushed, not panicked, just okay. I remember thinking, man, why can't it be like this with someone else?  Where is the man I can feel this way about but who isn't attached to someone else? (very sad emoticon)

I suppose that's all I feel like saying about that.

Scratch that...there's more to be said.

I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to put my finger on that thing...that reminder of what I'm looking for. I want a friend.  I want a friend who I am fiercely attracted to and who is just as attracted to me, and who knows how to talk to me ... makes me feel like he really sees me and hears me, and is genuinely interested in what I have to say.  Who makes me hang on to his every word...

Yeah. I'm holding out for that.  Nothing else will do.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What gives?

So... I spent last evening sending messages back and forth with a fellow on blackpeople.  Then we figured out that we work for the same school district.

My first response - uh oh.  I've come to learn that black men are a hot commodity. Black professional men who work in a school building are hot tamales!  Not only do all of the single black women want him, but many of the single (or otherwise) white women, Hispanic women, etc. want to (ahem) spend time with him.

But my second response - maybe.  Don't close a door until you know.  So I admit to him that I'm curious.  I suggest coffee or tea.  I also give him an out: "unless [working in the same district] is a deal breaker for you."  He responded, "we can do a coffee date "

So we make plans:

...I Said:
...Subject: Re: LETS TALK 10:03 PM on 1/28/2013
...Any place you prefer?

He Said:
Subject: Re: LETS TALK 10:09 PM on 1/28/2013
lets do the coffee spot

...I Said:
...Subject: Re: LETS TALK 10:32 PM on 1/28/2013
...Okay. The spot it is. I'll check in with you tomorrow. Good night.

The next day...
...I Said:
...Subject: Re: LETS TALK 10:15 AM on 1/29/2013
...When would you like to meet?

See the problem?  My last communication with him was at 10:15 this morning.  After thinking that we were planning to meet after work today, and after spending quite a bit of time making sure I was wearing a "first impression" outfit.  After spending all day looking at my phone expectantly for his response to come through.........waiting.......waiting........

Did I assume too much?  Did I have the wrong impression?  I thought we were interested in meeting EACH OTHER.  After all, he suggested that we meet yesterday evening. But, maybe I was pushing on something that wasn't there.  I'm too damn old for these games.  Does he? Doesn't he? I would much rather be up front.

Something like:
Hello guys out there.
Looking for a single, mature man who is educated (self or university).  Looking for a man who is cool with who I am, and is comfortable with who he is.  Looking for a man who appreciates my sense of humor and comes with one of his own.  A man who thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous and can't wait to get his hands on my body.  Every nook and cranny of my body.  A man who understands that as we age the body changes (most likely because his body has changed as well).  A man who wants to be my friend and THEN my lover.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Getting restless

So....what to do....

I am visiting blackpeoplemeet and match on a regular basis.  Everyday, in fact.  There have been a few nibbles on blackpeoplemeet, but nothing I feel is worth taking ashore.  There's been absolutely nothing happening on match.  There was Mr. F150 one year ago, and that was it.

I'm feeling better about myself.  Feeling sexy...feeling know.  So, why isn't anyone else?

Getting tired of waiting.  Don't misunderstand, still not going to just throw away this well preserved cookie, but ... Wazzuuuuuuup????

Anyway, making a date with myself to meet at the gym tomorrow.  So Girlie, be there or be ...flabby? ;)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I'm 100 Today!!

The following posts have been copied and pasted from my Obesityhelp blog.  I'm excited, so I want to tell everyone, but I'm lazy, so I only want to write it once.  The news is still the same:  I AM ONE HUNDRED POUNDS LESS TODAY!!!!
100 Today!

I'm 100 Today!! [Edit Post]
11 minutes ago
I decided to get on the scale this morning, and low and behold.... I am exactly 100 pounds lighter than I was when I was rolled into the operating room!!!
Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy re-birthday to me.
And...happy early BIRTHDAY  to me for my actual birthday is on Saturday, and I am physically almost half the person I was on my last birthday.  I just read a post where a member asked when is the honeymoon over. I'm here to tell you that my honeymoon is just beginning.  Feeling good!

"Was it worth it?" [Edit Post]
on November 17, 2012 9:31 am
So. I'm in the hair loss stage.  Great weight loss, but I have found that the stories I've read all over the place are holding true for me as well.  I'm losing a lot of hair.  Because I have dread locks, it is sooooo obvious.  My mother, who had hair loss from way back, looks at me with pity.  My 6 foot tall, teen-age son stares down at my baldness.  Last night, while looking at me from across the room, he asked me, "So, was it worth it?"
"Worth what?" I ask, because I had just been watching television.  Minding my own business.
"Worth losing your hair."
Yes, it echoed in my head. Just like that.
I suppose it was. I'm healthier.  I can walk 10 feet without sweating.  I can climb stairs without huffing and puffing.  I am beginning to look GREAT in my jeans.  The list goes on and the pros FAR outweigh the cons.  Yes, I think I'd do it again.
I suppose this may be God's way of keeping me humbled.  Great body.  No hair.