Friday, December 28, 2012


Man, my oldest son threw something at me today.

The boys and I were driving home after spending a day of shopping, dinner and a movie.  From the passenger seat of the car, he said, "He's supposed to be coming up here for a visit."  I nodded my head.  I had heard this information twice before.  Once from my ex and once from my younger son.  It seems both sons are (at least kind of) looking forward to this visit.  I try not to think of it at all.  Men say things.  Not all things are true.  Get me?

Anyway, upon my oldest son's announcement in the car, I simply nodded my head.  What was there to say? He went on, "Do you think you'll hook up with him when he's here?"
What?!  Hook up??  What the...?  My response, "He's still mad at me."
"Maybe not," the man-child continued, "he wished you a Merry Christmas."  He did indeed.

So, let me back up.  My first response to my teenager's inquiry was: he's still mad at me.  Not: Get the heck out of here!  Not: I'm not interested in going there!  Not even. just plain: no.  What was that about? And while we're at it, why did I find myself fighting back tears as I continued to drive on in silence?  What was THAT about?

Yes, I find myself thinking about him often.  Yes, I wonder if I were better at being a wife, would he have learned to be a better husband, and would my family still be together.  I did leave. I put him out of our home twice and then I left the city.  I know why I did it.  I still loved him, but he was not doing the things I needed him to do.  I did communicate my needs to him.  Well, to be honest, I didn't communicate all of my needs to him.  I did not take him into my confidence.  It was stupid of me to think that he would figure that out on his own.  So stupid.  And then, there is the other reason.  Insecurity?  Maybe that is what I should call it.  Being honest, right?  I know why he married me. Our son.

But why did he stay married to me?  Shelter?  Security?  Love?  Me?  He never said.  Never said. And I needed to know.  I figured that if I gave him the space, he would fly away, or he would move Heaven and Earth to get me and the boys back.  But he didn't move heaven or earth.  He stayed.  He stayed and an anger festered in him.  He learned to hate me.  He moved to Atlanta, with his mother, and still he felt nothing but anger.

In the meantime, I was learning to communicate.  And I began to see where I went wrong in this relationship.  I began to try to communicate with him, but he was too angry to try with me.  I let more time go by, and I would try again.  Still angry.  More and more time would pass, until I stopped trying and began admitting that it was lost.  It was over, and it was time to move on. This could not be the plan God had in store for me anyway.  What God has in store for me would feel good to my whole self.  Holding on to some hope that my husband would love me the way I want to be loved and the way I wanted to give love was fruitless.  As a matter of fact, holding on to my hopes with him must be blocking God's plan. Let it go.  Let it go.  Let it go, girl.

I spent the last two years letting it go.  How is it that one suggestion of a "hook up" could chip away at my wall so easily?

Thursday, December 27, 2012

About 94 pounds and counting...

So...some changes have come over me since the weight has been coming off.  I have the desire to break off a little cookie.
Yeah, I said it.  Let's marinate on that for a moment....

Okay, the real problem is there is no one to give the cookie to.  No prospects at all.  For years, I barely registered men in my surroundings.  They were simply assholes walking around.  All after one thing - but not my thing, so why bother with them?  I just walked around like a defensive lineman.  Don't bother to look at me 'cause I ain't thinking about you!

Then I started losing weight.  I have more energy.  I can bound up the stairs at work.  I'm looking good in my clothes, and I know it. And now, I'm looking at you.  Yeah, and you too.  All of a sudden, I feel as though someone has lifted my hood, and for the first time in years, I see men all around me.

Don't misunderstand me. Just because I notice them, does not mean I'm ready to share THIS cookie with just any man I see.  After 4 and 1/2 years of keeping it on lock, I recognize the value in my cookie, and I will not be handing it out willy-nilly.  The man I decide to share it with will have to be WORTHY.  Ahhh...there's the rub.

Where does a mature woman like myself, with renewed body, mind, and spirit, find a worthy man?

  • where "black people meet"?  Oh, no.
    • The men I've communicated with are ghetto, or get straight to asking for MY COOKIE. What nerve!
  • where more matches are made?  Absolutely not.
    • So far, I've met one man who picked me up in a giant F150, did NOT help me climb up into the monster truck, took me to watch him eat dinner, and then, even though I made a point of telling him how I DO NOT LIKE going to clubs, took me to a club.  Oh yeah, when I slipped on the icy bar trying to climb back into the truck after his dinner, the joker did not even get out to see if I was okay.  That was my one and only match.
  • In my living room, in front of the TV? Nope.
    • Enough said there.
  • At Walmart? Unh-unh.
    • Plenty of men there, but they are usually following behind another woman like a puppy on a leash, waiting for her to pay for everything.  No thank you.  Been there, done that.
  • At the movie matinee with my sons? Nothing happening.
    • Besides, my sons block like its the final quarter in Lakers game (during the late 80's when the Lakers were my ish!)

So what's a girl to do?  I'm going to have to do something different.
Okay, okay.  The next opportunity I have to go somewhere where grown-ups congregate, I will jump on it.

Before the cookie crumbles...

Getting ready to attend a family members birthday party.